If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
They’re the worst 😩
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going