“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos