“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
never ask a starfish for directions
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.