[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
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Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Ghost costume 😂
never deleting this app.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
this has done me in for some reason
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit