you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Sunday