ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Lol
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Trumpy Cat
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.