Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
What’s a Messi?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”