Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold