I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.