“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
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A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings