what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
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Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
uh oh
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.