Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
That de-escalated quickly
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Seems kinda suspicious
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.