I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
You Might Also Like
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Yup.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.