ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”