me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
me as a parent
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy