5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
apparently this year was written by stephen king
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?