Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
How do you milk an almond?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
SCARY COSTUME
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Hey i am sexy to you now
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
😜
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )