Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.