I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
philosophical skeletons be like
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
yeah 😭
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.