@OkieGirl405

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

@alfageeek

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

@ArfMeasures

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

@simoncholland

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

@LoveYoorFate

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

@JasonNotEvil

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

@Modi_defence

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

@TuffyNyC

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy