I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
You Might Also Like
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Not all heroes wear capes….
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around