I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
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“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
This can never not be funny 😭😭
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too