Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I kid you not.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy