“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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Bobby pin
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
こいつ天才
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
some Old Testament wisdom
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Received some very disappointing news today
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo