A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
two people or more is called a problem
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.