A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
spicy snake
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
did it work
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
⛄️
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.