A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Merica.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
the council will decide your fate
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.