A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland