Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.