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i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.