me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Hitlers gonna hitl
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!