My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.