It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
You Might Also Like
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish