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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.