Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨