@shadygrenade

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

@TheBoydP

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

@OfficeofSteve

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
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@Boywhiz88

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

@iRowlf

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

@krisv_723

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

@osullivanauthor

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@josephknuckles

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

@GreenishDuck

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

@DevilryFun

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.