Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related