HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.