me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
A new level of troll.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
それは草
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
asking santa clause for nudes
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*