Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.