bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
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Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I’m not stressed
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.