Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.