What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Baking is just science you can eat.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys