@JimmerThatisAll
@SvnSxty Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
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@SvnSxty 
@TheToddWilliams Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
@WilliamAder This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
@Northerngent4 Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
@shutupmikeginn “Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
@richforri “I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
@KalvinMacleod [pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
@Fred_Delicious bugs when you lift up a rock
@JoParkerBear The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
@E_lok44 The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.