“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u