One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.