NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I am crying