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Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
How did we not see this back then?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“you changed” bro i was 15
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.