I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
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Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
we’re dead?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: