Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
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Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Sorry not sorry.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure