Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.