ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
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I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”