[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
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That 👊
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire