if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
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Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.