It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Why font matters.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
584.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal