My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
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Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Meow?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.