Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!