Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
White Castle for the Win
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.